By Julie Gilmore
Honorable Mention, Prose, Create | Encounter 2023
Warning: Contains descriptions of suicidal ideation.
1
You are at the doctor’s office. Your name is called, and you go to Room One.
“Good morning,” says Dr Burgess. “Please, sit down. What seems to be the trouble?”
You take a seat. “I want to kill myself,” you say.Dr Burgess nods. “All right. Let’s talk about that.” You take a deep breath. “I hate my life,” you say. “Every day, I have so much pain and grief. I don’t have anything to live for. No hope, no future, no joy anywhere. And it’s been so long. I just don’t see the point in carrying on.”
“You don’t see any point.” Dr Burgess gives you a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, we can help you. Let me have a look at your records.”
He opens up your medical file.
Are you terminally ill?
If yes, go to 2
If no, go to 3
2
“All right,” says Dr Burgess. “So I can see here that you do qualify for medical assistance in dying under the current law. Is that something you would like to pursue? Or do you want help to live?”
“No,” you say, “I don’t want to live. I just told you that. I want to die.”
“It says here in your file that you’ve pursued several treatments already for your suicidal thoughts. None of these have helped?”
“No,” you say. “Nothing has helped. And now there’s nothing left for me but to die, which is what I want.”
Dr Burgess nods. “Very well, that is your legal right. There is still time for you to change your mind. But the law gives you the right to death with dignity, if that’s what you’ve decided on.”
He begins arrangements for your medically assisted death.
3
Do you have a serious or chronic physical illness?
If yes, how long has medical assistance in dying been legal?
More than five years – go to 2
Less than five years – go to 7
If no, go to 4
4
Do you have any of the following: blindness, deafness, dementia, gender dysphoria, anorexia, PTSD, trauma after sexual assault, severe allergies or chemical sensitivities?
If yes, how long has medical assistance in dying been legal?
More than ten years – go to 2
Less than ten years – go to 7
If no, go to 5
5
Do you have chronic depression or anxiety?
If yes, how long has medical assistance in dying been legal?
More than fifteen years – go to 2
Less than fifteen years – go to 7
If no, go to 6
6
Do you experience tiredness of life, weariness of life, or feel that your life is ‘complete’?
If yes, how long has medical assistance in dying been legal?
More than twenty years – go to 2
Less than twenty years – go to 7
If no, go to 7
7
“All right,” says Dr Burgess. “It says here in your file that you’ve pursued several treatments already for your suicidal thoughts. None of these have helped?”
“No,” you say. “Nothing has helped. And now there’s nothing left for me but to die, which is what I want.”
Dr Burgess nods. “That must be very difficult,” he says. “But please understand, there is still hope. There are more treatments to try, different types of counselling. Sometimes combining medications, or trying a treatment a second time, can work.”
“But what if nothing works?” you ask.
“Well, there are still more options. There is electroconvulsive therapy. There is vagus nerve stimulation. Even neurosurgery, if all else fails. And there are experimental treatments which we can try, too. There are dozens of things. Almost everyone gets better once all options have been explored.”
“But what if it still doesn’t work?” you ask. “What if after all of that, I still don’t want to live?”
“In that case,” he says, “you will have to be brave. You will have to keep fighting, keep trying treatments again. But you won’t be alone, because I will fight with you.”
“But what if there’s no point?” you ask. “It’s not like my life matters to anyone. It’s not like the world will lose out if I’m not here.”
“In all my years as a doctor,” says Dr Burgess, “I’ve never met anyone whose life didn’t matter.”
You say, “But what if I’m an exception?”
“An exception?” Dr Burgess takes off his glasses. “I think that’s a very dangerous mindset to hold. Don’t you?”
—
Artist Statement:
Proponents of assisted suicide say that it is a last resort, for those for whom other treatments for suicidal desires have failed.
But what doctor, with an otherwise ‘healthy’ patient, would ever call time on their attempts at treatment, would decide, “That’s it, we’ve done all we can do”?
I’ve fought with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life, and never had to worry that my GP would say there’s no longer hope for me.
But when we legalize assisted suicide, we buy into the lie that some people are worth giving up on.
And after that, none of us are safe.